By: Jane S. Anderson

When we think of happiness, we often mean the experience of positive emotions like joy or delight. (I’m happy to be on vacation.”) Or relief. (“I’m happy to be done with that project.”) Or a willingness to help. (I’d be happy to run that errand for you.”)

But these common definitions do little to help us understand the nuances of happiness or how to generate more of it.

In her book The How of Happiness, positive psychology researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky describes happiness as “the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile.”

I like this definition because it scratches below the surface, revealing the deeper essence of happiness. It implies that happiness is more of a journey than a fleeting emotion.

Personally, I agree. In my own experience, the pursuit of happiness includes:

• Experiencing positive emotions and events,
• Engaging in activities that activate my unique talents, skills, and strengths,
• Connecting with others in deep, satisfying relationships,
• Making a meaningful contribution to the world, and
• Accomplishing everything within my potential.

According to science, these aren’t just ideals or nice-to-haves. They’re the building blocks of flourishing individuals and organizations. I’ve noted a few characteristics of each below:

• Positive emotions open our hearts and minds, enable learning, and boost creativity.
• Engagement creates peak performance and experiences.
• Relationships provide acceptance, support, and a sense of belonging.
• Meaning and purpose connect us with something bigger than ourselves.
• Achievement enables mastery through strengths.

These building blocks work together to form a strong foundation of happiness and flourishing. Let me demonstrate with an example from my own life: blogging.

Of course, my primary goal in blogging is to help others cultivate happiness in their own lives! But I’ll explain in more detail how it also cultivates happiness in mine. Through blogging, I’m able to:

1. Experience positive emotions when I create new content, respond to comments, and watch visitor stats increase. So blogging is a source of inspiration, joy, gratitude, and hope.
2. Get into “the zone” while writing new posts. So blogging fully engages me.
3. Build relationships with new readers and deepen relationships with clients, colleagues, family, and friends, as we exchange ideas and learn new things from one another. So blogging deepens my relationships.
4. Connect with a purpose that’s bigger than me – a movement to help individuals and organizations flourish. So blogging is personally meaningful and promotes a higher purpose.
5. Hone my writing and critical thinking skills, and utilize my character strengths of creativity, love of learning, and humor. So blogging allows me to use my strengths in novel ways.

You can see how happiness goes way beyond “I’m happy to meet you.” The pursuit of happiness, defined in this broader sense, is like putting deposits into a bank account – the greater the deposits, the bigger the balance; and, the bigger the balance, the larger the cushion when withdrawals are made. Withdrawals, of course, are daily stresses and adversity.

This framework for understanding happiness is inspiring and empowering. It demonstrates that we have a large measure of control over whether we’re happy or not, whether we flourish or not. Through daily choices and actions that cultivate positive emotions and relationships, engagement, meaning, and achievement, we can become happier and flourish.

Take a moment to consider your own view of happiness. Is happiness more of a fleeting emotion or a journey? If you shifted your attention to the 5 building blocks, how might you cultivate more happiness at work or home?

At the end of the day, we deserve a life full of positive well-being, goodness, meaning, and worth. That’s what happiness is all about.

Want to know more? Download my free “Is It Stress or Is It Burnout” strategy guide here. You can also learn about my speaking and training programs here.
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References
Csiksentmihalyi, Mihaly (1999). If We’re So Rich, Why Aren’t We Happy? American Psychologist.
Fredrickson, Barbara (2009). Positivity: Top Notch Research Reveals the 3:1 Ratio That Will Change Your Life. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Lyubomirsky, Sonja (2007) The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting The Life You Want. New York: The Penguin Press.
Seligman, Martin (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being. New York: Free Press.]]>

By:  Jane S. Anderson, President of Orchestration, Inc. When working with an individual client, I like to start each session with one simple question.  I use the same question at the dinner table with my family.  I also use it with friends. “What went well?” It’s interesting, because this one little question often elicits an array of uncomfortable responses.  Long pauses.  Heavy sighing.  Even eyeball rolling. Just as we begin to explore the positive realm, the conversation often heads right back into more comfortable territory – what isn’t going so well. I find this struggle to discuss what went well fascinating.  I faced it in my own discussions with mentors and coaches.  It seemed immodest, even arrogant, to indulge in what went well.  Plus, it went well – why did we need to dwell on it?  With an overflowing plate of challenges both at work and home, I needed to get down to problem solving.  Or so I thought. Many of you may remember the TV ad campaign against drug abuse, where a man cracks an egg into a screaming hot frying pan.  “This is your brain on drugs,” he declares as the egg sizzles and pops, transforming its very nature from a gooey liquid to a solid. The brain in a constantly negative state reminds me of the brain on drugs, changing our very nature.  It colors our judgment, seeks fault and blame, finds problem solving difficult, influences our beliefs, impacts interactions with others, and causes us to do things out of character.  Unchecked, it contributes to high blood pressure, ulcers, and disease. Your brain on positivity, however, can mean the difference between languishing and flourishing.  If you stop right now to picture your favorite go-to place for rest and rejuvenation – a beach, a hammock in the back yard, the library – you may notice your facial muscles relaxing or a heightened sense of calm just by shifting your attention to something positive. Raising positivity over time has many benefits.  It can:

1. Open our hearts and minds.
2. Make us more receptive and creative.
3. Allow us to discover and build new skills, connections, and knowledge.
4. Raise resilience.
5. Improve our ability to grow stronger, even after traumatic or difficult events.

• Instead of starting your work day with everything you didn’t accomplish yesterday, start by sending an email of acknowledgement or thanks to a colleague.

• Instead of asking your children about the chores they didn’t do, notice the things they did right today.

• At dinnertime, rather than asking, “How was your day?” or launching into the usual list of gripes and annoyances, ask, “What went well?”

• Generate a sincere, heartfelt conversation around what went well.  Allow the positive emotions that arise – joy, amusement, gratitude, inspiration, hope – to flow.  Bask in the glow of positivity.

• Keep the conversation going with a few follow up questions.  What progress did you make?  What did you accomplish?  Why did that go well?  What was your contribution?  What strengths did you use?

• Make it a habit to start and end the day, or a meeting, with your brain on positivity.

with another person?  Practicing new, positive behaviors toward or with another person may create habits that improve both your relationships and your life. In Positive Psychology, a positive psychology intervention (PPI) is an empirically tested and proven exercise and practice intended to increase well-being by cultivating strengths, positive emotions and/or meaning.  Simply stated, PPIs are a way to redirect attention and memory (Rashid, 2009).  By habitually engaging in these positive activities, the prospects of experiencing happiness are enhanced.  Participants can adopt behaviors and habits that are “good” for them (Gable & Haidt, 2005). Relationship Habits that Count is a collection of PPIs designed to establish new, positive patterns of behavior in your significant relationship.  These habits can be easily remembered by the numbers associated with them. 1. Tell or show your partner at least ONE time a day that you love them.  Love your partner in the way that they want to be loved.  Often, you love your partner in ways that you assume he/she will like.  It is important to ascertain how your significant other wants to be loved (e.g. with words, kisses, notes or making a coffee for them in the morning) and express it that way at least one time a day. 2. Share good news with your partner (Capitalization) and respond actively and constructively (ACR) to your partner’s good news at least TWO times a day.  Sharing good news with others is sometimes difficult because of the negativity bias (the tendency for your brain to be attuned to bad news).  Capitalization is the process whereby news is shared when good things happen (Langston, 1994).  Gable, Gonzaga and Strachman (2006) found there are four ways to respond when someone shares good news: three ways erode the relationship and only one way (ACR) benefits the relationship and the individual by increasing levels of happiness, satisfaction, trust, intimacy and lessens conflict.  ACR is the process whereby you, as the listener to the good news, show authentic interest by asking questions that help your partner to relive and elaborate on the news. 3. Gratefully acknowledge your partner, your relationship or a shared experience THREE times every day.  Regularly reflecting on the things for which you are grateful increases subjective well-being (Seligman, Steen, Park, & Peterson, 2005).  The good things acknowledged can be the sublime or the simple (e.g. “thanks for taking the time to do that,” “it’s great when you come home early to be with me,” “you are an amazing husband/wife,” or “we make a great team”). 4. Make a verbal or non-verbal acknowledgement of your partner at the FOUR major junctures during the day.  For cohabitating couples, the four “transitional” times of the day are connection opportunities.  These times are when you each wake from sleep, before departing from one another, when you rejoin each other and the last thing before retiring for sleep.  A gesture (touch, eye contact, kiss, etc.) or phrase need not be profound, but is a simple validation of the other at these key points during the day. 5. Think positively about your partner FIVE times a day.  Take time to remember the things that you value about your partner, the things that you are grateful for about your partner, a pleasant experience with your partner, or something you look forward to doing with your partner.  Use prompts (an electronic alarm or linking it to a daily event like meals or commute times) to remember to “savor” your significant other. 6. Hug your partner every day for SIX seconds.  Embraces can raise oxytocin levels.  Oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone” is a substance which is released in the brain in response to social contact and touch.  Oxytocin has been linked to a loving bond between individuals (Insel, 1997), so this six second daily hug may physiologically increase the attachment between you and your partner. Initiating all of these PPIs at once may be too lofty a goal.  Set yourself up for success:  choose one of these “habits that count” and put forth persistent effort to practice it as suggested for one month.  The next month, choose another PPI to implement. Whether or when you choose to share this initiative with your partner is up to you.  Doing so may serve to create a shared relationship goal and increase the efficacy of the interventions via mutual motivation, accountability and synergy. Like brushing your teeth, implementing positive relationship habits will keep your connections bright and healthy.  You don’t have to wait until the New Year to work on habits.  Resolve to improve the quality of your relationship today. References Gable, S. L., Gonzaga, G. C., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? supportive responses      to positive event disclosures. Journal of Personality and     Social Psychology, 91(5), 904-917. Gable, S. L., & Haidt, J. (2005). What (and why) is positive psychology? Review of General Psychology.Special Issue:      Positive Psychology, 9(2), 103-110. Insel, T. R. (1997). A neurobiological basis of social   attachment. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 154(6),   726-735. Rashid, T. (2009). Positive interventions in clinical practice.    Journal of Clinical Psychology, 65(5), 461-466. Seligman, M. E. P., Steen, T. A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, 60, 410-421.    ]]>

American Express Tumblr is a resource that creates and curates content to inspire, motivate, and advise people on a range of subjects, offering up a new definition of success!! Here is one of the images that was created for the project based on Paula’s article and e-book, 10 Things Happy People Do Differently!!   ]]>

Love is not enough.

Many couples believe that love is the primary factor that prepares you for marriage. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Love is the outcome of a good relationship, which develops over time.
Love should not be confused with the intense thoughts, emotions and physiological reactions during the initial phase of relationships. These experiences are chemically induced, not sustainable and ultimately not indicators that you have found your life partner.

During this initial romance phase, you and your partner are putting your best foot forward and can be blinded by passion. The rose colored glasses will eventually come off, and you will see the not-so-perfect-parts of your lover during the discovery phase.

If you can live with any discovered “warts,” you move to the contemplative phase.

Here are eight questions to ask when considering a lifelong commitment:

1. Do you feel safe communicating openly with your partner? Communication is essential to relationships and is a predictor of marital satisfaction (Diener and Biswas-Diener, 2008), but what you talk about impacts the quality of your relationship. Do you feel comfortable expressing your thoughts and feelings? Can you speak your “truth” (i.e., your perspective, beliefs and feelings) without fear of rebuttal, retaliation or punishment? Feeling safe emotionally and being able to communicate openly promotes intimacy.

2. Do you trust your partner? Trust is difficult to define and easy to corrupt but integral to a good relationship. Being sure of someone includes:

• Predictability–knowing your partner will behave as expected and knowing he will do what he says he will do.
• Consideration–knowing your partner will think of you before acting and knowing your partner will talk to you before doing something you might question.

3. Do you respect your partner? Your partner should have qualities, attributes, skills and traits you admire. If you are with someone who is looking for the comfortable life, think again: a comfortable life is not always the good life. Choose a partner who manages difficulties and sees challenges as opportunities to show—and grow—character you can respect.

Want to know more? Download my free “Is It Stress or Is It Burnout” strategy guide here. You can also learn about my speaking and training programs here.

References:
Diener, E. & Biswas-Diener, R. (2008). Happiness: Unlocking the mysteries of psychological wealth. Malden, MA: Blackwell Publishing.
Dweck, C. (2008). Mindset: The new psychology of success. New York: Ballantine Books.
Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). The how of happiness. New York: The Penquin Press.
Park, N., Peterson, C., & Seligman, M.E.P. (2004). Strengths of character and well-being. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 23, 603-619.
The elements shown under the “Do You Trust Your Partner” question above are adapted from The Operational Definition of Trust, created by Gretchen Pisano in 2008.
NOTE
** The word “he” or “him” is meant to be interchanged with “she” or “her.” In addition, the phrase “I do” is meant to capture all types of committed relationships, not only those entered into by traditional marriage.

study published in the March issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health looked at 26,069 adolescents aged 11-15 to examine how and whether family dinners were beneficial to adolescents.  The teens and tweens submitted data on the weekly frequency of family dinners, how well they communicated with their parents, their emotional well-being, and life satisfaction. The study found that teens who ate with their families exhibited fewer emotional and behavioral problems, expressed greater emotional well-being, higher life satisfaction and were more trusting and helpful.   These same effects were found regardless of gender, age, or family socioeconomic status. According to study co-author, professor Frank Elgar, “from having no dinners together to eating together seven nights a week, each additional dinner related significantly better mental health.”  Family dinners allow adolescents to feel connected and provide a safe environment with which to express their issues.  Families naturally spend most of their day apart from each other with work and school obligations taking priority, and family dinnertime is a ritual that brings the family back together. Dinners together don’t have to be elaborate three-course meals.  It’s not just the food on the plate that matters; more importantly, it’s the connection and opportunity to share stories and concerns of the day.  In addition, parents can get a rare glimpse into their teens’ lives while taking a much-needed break in an otherwise hectic, fast-paced day. How do you make family dinner a priority?  ]]>

will change…for the worse!  What bothers you now will likely bother you even more in the future.  It is best to assume that your potential partner will NOT change and to decide whether or not you can live with him “as is” almost always, is a better way of determining if a person is right for you. Falling in love should not be left to chemistry, magic, luck, fate or first sight.  If you are truly ready for a relationship, there are things you can do to increase the likelihood that you will attain a healthy, sustainable one. Getting what you want is a bit like shopping.  Do you rely on fate and magic to get the items you need?  Before you even leave the house, you should know what you are looking for or you’ll come back with all the wrong stuff.  It helps to make a list. Because dating is a little like going to the grocery store, I was  inspired to create an exercise I call the Significant Other Shopping List (SOS List), a simple and effective tool to help you choose a partner deliberately and mindfully. This exercise utilizes your head before engaging your heart when choosing a partner.  The SOS List has three columns:

1. Things you cannot live without:  This column includes those qualities that are absolutely essential in a partner.  Examples may include respect, honesty, openness, flexibility, self-awareness, regulation, responsibility, effective communication and/or a growth mindset.
2. Things that you cannot live with:  These are the deal breakers.  Examples may include substance use/abuse, annoying personal habits, large debt, over-dependency on family, poor work ethic, emotional outbursts or sedentary lifestyle.
3. Things that are negotiable:  This column includes those qualities about which you are flexible.  Examples may include occupation, educational/financial background, spirituality, prior marriages/children, whether or not he has sense of humor, a social life or close extended family relationships.

References

Manage stress and build your family’s resilience with these skills.

It’s an understatement to say that life these days is a bit hectic. Many adults work extended schedules and carry work pressures home with them each night, while kids are over-scheduled and buried in homework. Twenty-first century families face different challenges than families just a few decades ago, which makes building resilience even more important. Resilience is a critical life skill for kids and parents alike, and fortunately, it can be learned. Here are seven ways to build your family’s resilience:

1. Shut down catastrophic thinking. If you’re the parent of a teenager, you have likely observed this thinking style, but adults catastrophize too. It’s a downward spiral style of thinking that leaves you unable to take purposeful action. Your seventeen year old might break up with her boyfriend and think her world is over. As a parent, you might turn around in a store and notice your seven year old isn’t standing next to you. Both result in anxiety, even panic; but, not being able to take purposeful action to find a solution makes this style of thinking particularly worrisome. If you’re interested, please email me, and I’ll be happy to send you a short worksheet with instructions on how to get a handle on this style of thinking.

2. Create a strengths family tree. Identifying your family’s strengths is a great self-awareness tool and a wonderful opportunity to talk to your kids about leveraging what they do well. Anyone age 10 or older may take the VIA Inventory of Strengths or its companion test for kids at . If you or your kids are facing a challenge, have a discussion about how you can leverage your strengths to figure out solutions.

3. Grab the good stuff. Thanks to the negativity bias, human beings are predisposed to notice and remember the bad stuff that happens during the day. Positive interactions abound, but you often fail to remember them. At the end of each day, ask each other to name several good things that happened during the day, and why that good thing was important. This exercise only takes a few minutes, but studies show that those who make this activity a regular habit experience increased levels of happiness and optimism (Seligman, et al., 2005).

4. Encourage positive risks and discuss the lessons learned from failing. When I was in middle school, I participated in the district-wide annual music contest. I played the clarinet and practiced like crazy for my solo. The time came for my performance, and the room was packed. As I started my piece, nothing but air came out of my clarinet, then awful noises that sounded like a flock of geese. I realized in an instant that my reed was cracked, and I didn’t have a spare with me. I was completely mortified and embarrassed, but my dad and my band teacher helped me craft a plan to fix the situation. We drove to the grade school, I got some new reeds, and we returned to the competition. Later that day, the judge allowed me to replay my piece, and I received a gold medal.

More importantly, I received a handshake from the judge and congratulations for having the courage to return. I often reflect on that experience, because I’ve had bigger challenges in my life since that day; however, that experience gave me a blueprint plus the confidence for figuring out those bigger life challenges. What would have happened if the judge would have taken pity on me and awarded me a medal simply for trying? What would have happened if my band instructor blew up at the judge? What would have happened if my parents had decided to sue the school for causing me emotional distress? Who knows, but I wouldn’t have ended that day knowing I could forge my way through a challenge. By giving every kid an “A,” and saying every kid makes the team, we’re robbing our kids of the ability to figure out how to get out of a challenge by studying harder, preparing differently, or by practicing more. A hallmark of resilience is being able to pick yourself up and course correct when the going gets tough.

5. Rejuvenate regularly. Positive emotion is a key component of resilience (Cohn et al., 2009). Being able to generate positive emotion through laughing together, doing physical activities, going to the spa, playing board games and more will build your resilience as a family. Even though time is in short supply for many busy parents and kids, model the importance of taking time out to rejuvenate. You can’t be there for your family if your tank is always on empty.

6. Be there for each other when things go right. Study after study shows that building strong social connections builds not only resilience, but happiness. Shelly Gable’s research shows that how you respond to a person’s good news actually does more for building a relationship than how you respond to bad news. This applies across the board from personal relationships to business interactions. Responding in an active and constructive way; that is, helping the bearer of good news savor it, is the only response that builds good relationships. Killing the conversation by offering a terse response or hijacking the conversation by making it about you are quick ways to weaken a relationship (Gable, Gonzaga, & Strachman, 2006). Encourage your kids to start practicing active constructive responding not only with family members, but also with their friends.

7. Allow family members to replicate successes. Dr. Carol Dweck has researched for decades what she calls a fixed and growth mindsets. Often times when things go well, you tell your kids “great job,” or “you must be really smart.” While nice, it doesn’t help your kids replicate their success. According to Dweck, when you notice someone doing something well, name the specific strategy, skill, and effort that led to the good outcome. Notice the difference between, “Wow, the way you sprinted down the middle of the field, blocked the defender, and kicked the ball to the right side of goal was amazing,” and “You’re such a great athlete” (Dweck, 2008).
Families go through their share of challenges over the years. Why not take the opportunity to build your resilience coat of armor early on in order to maximize the likelihood that you’ll grow and thrive through not only big, but also daily, life stressors?

Want to know more? Download my free “Is It Stress or Is It Burnout” strategy guide here. You can also learn about my speaking and training programs here.

References

Cohn, M.A. et al. (2009). Happiness unpacked: Positive emotions increase life satisfaction by building resilience. Emotion, 9(3), 361-368.
Dweck, C. (2008). Mindset: The new psychology of success. New York: Ballantine Books.
Gable, S.L., Gonzaga, G.C., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Supportive responses to positive event disclosures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 904-917.
Reivich, K., & Shatté, A. (2002). The resilience factor: 7 keys to finding your inner strength and overcoming life’s hurdles. New York: Broadway Books.
Seligman, M.E.P., Steen, T.A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, July-August, 410-421.]]>

5 Tips for High-Achieving Women to Build & Preserve Lasting Relationships How can high-achieving women reach the heights of career success and preserve their most important relationships (romantic or otherwise) in the process? This was the question a fellow high-achiever and I were mulling over at lunch this week. She shared that she recently received feedback from her boss indicating that certain co-workers had become less willing to talk to her due to her intense style. I told her that I consistently hear many high-achieving women described as “intimidating.” Being intense and intimidating can help you achieve work goals, but they generally aren’t adjectives that foster positive, long-term relationships. High-achieving women are often under a great deal of pressure and stress, and unfortunately, emotions can come out sideways even with the best of intentions. While stress and pressure can’t be totally eliminated, you must figure out how to manage your high-achieving ways so they do not negatively interfere with your relationships. Human beings are not designed to exist in isolation, and relationships with others are too important to your overall well-being to be cast aside. Social support not only is good for your health but also increases your longevity. One study tracked high school graduates for forty years and found a link between positive social experiences and lower allostatic load (the cumulative wear and tear your body experiences with chronic stress) for both men and women. Conversely, having a high degree of loneliness is associated with increased risk of coronary heart disease in women after controlling for age, income, physical activity, alcohol use and cholesterol levels (Singer, 2010). If you are struggling to build or keep long-lasting relationships, or want to preserve existing ones, these five tips can help. 1. Reach out to other high-achieving women. I remember days when I would look outside my 33rd floor window and wonder whether anyone else was feeling as stressed out as I was. Instead of reaching out, I kept the stress bottled up and just vowed to put my head down and keep moving forward. I’ve since realized that I was not alone; but, so many high-achieving women feel like they’re the only one. You are each other’s best resource. Coming together with like-minded women will help to keep you from feeling isolated and will give you an opportunity to hear about others’ experiences. 2. Bag it, barter it, or better it. If you are dealing with a relationship issue that has you frustrated, ask yourself, can you eliminate it from your life (bag it)? If no, can you have someone else handle it (barter it)? If the answer is no to both questions, figure out how you can make the situation as good as possible (better it). 3. Increase your diet of positive emotions. I never thought that positive emotions were all that important, but having studied the science behind positive emotions as part of my master’s degree and resilience training, I have changed my tune. Not only do positive emotions build your resilience, they promote creativity (increasing your likelihood of finding meaningful solutions to problems), are contagious (do you want to be around a grump?), and return your heart rate to baseline quicker after stressful events (like a fight with a significant other). Flourishing marriages have a ratio of positive to negative emotions of 5:1; for flourishing work teams, it’s even higher at 6:1 (Fredrickson, 2009). 4. Communicate more supportively. Many high-achievers I know (myself included) think that there is a right answer, and it’s theirs. Always being right hurts not only your relationships, but also sends a flood of stress chemicals into your body. Kim Cameron outlines a model of supportive communication inhis book, Positive Leadership, which is as follows: First, provide an objective description of the event or the behavior that needs to be modified. Report “just the facts” and minimize exaggeration. Second, describe feelings and consequences without placing blame (“I’m concerned about our relationship”). Finally, suggest a more acceptable alternative that is workable (and realistic) for both parties. 5. Help others savor good news. Shelly Gable’s research shows that how you respond to a person’s good news actually does more for building a relationship than how you respond to bad news. This applies across the board from personal relationships to business interactions. Responding in an active and constructive way; that is, helping the bearer of good news savor it, is the only response that builds good relationships. Killing the conversation by offering a terse response or hijacking the conversation by making it about you are quick ways to weaken a relationship. Many high-achieving women worry about preserving meaningful relationships as they work toward their lofty goals. Having good, strong relationships is too important to your well-being to put them in jeopardy.

References

end in divorce, and many other relationships end before marriage, so it is evident that many couples need to improve the way they handle relationship issues. Why are some couples able to navigate challenge and change with ease while others get stuck and spin their wheels? Resilient couples ask these four questions regularly: (1)

1) What other factors might have contributed to the problem?

• How did other people or other circumstances contribute to the problem?
• How did I contribute to the problem?
• What specific behaviors contributed to the problem?

2) If we shared this issue with another person, what would he/she see as potential causes?

3) What parts of the problem can I directly control, influence, or leverage?

4) What solutions have we not tried?